When they call your hope "delusional" - b*itch! I'm moving past the whole "it is what it is" BS

“When someone tells you it can't be done, it's more a reflection of their limitations, not yours.”

- Unknown

Has anyone ever told you that you were being delusional for having a big vision or dream?

That you "weren't being realistic"?

OOF, those words still cut like a knife. Such dismissive language. Don't worry, you're not alone. I too can feel the sharp sting in my belly, and throat for that matter, when I hear those words.

Now, though, they also make me angry.

Like, who the hell are you to tell me what is within my limits? And who are you to tell me what my limit even is?!

When we are young - schoolchildren I mean, we are encouraged to think of the world as our oyster and to dream as big as the sky and higher than the stars. But as we get older, this narrative is repeated to us over and over again: "get more realistic". And by our teen years, our caretakers expect us to have a plan for our future.

Suddenly, we realize we have been conditioned to shrink our dreams, shrink our visions of who we dream we might become one day, and succumb to the dreamless, status quo life that most people choose to live today.

The sad thing to me, is I don't think most people realize it's a choice. They are so deeply conditioned that they actually are stuck. Stuck in this narrative of "don't dream big". But why is nobody asking the question: 'Why?'

Well, I don't think nobody is. In fact, I know a lot of people have asked that question - and what comes next?

Breaking out of the matrix is basically what comes next, if you ask me.

Now, I'm not saying it's like the Matrix Film Franchise that started in 1999 - but kind of, lol. Just without the sci-fi stuff going on, I'd say the concept is right on point.

The parallel is striking when you think about it. In both cases, there's a system designed to keep people complacent, to discourage questioning the status quo, and to make those who do question it feel crazy or delusional. The "it is what it is" mindset is just another version of taking the blue pill – choosing comfortable ignorance over challenging reality. But what happens when you choose the red pill instead? When you refuse to accept that your dreams are "unrealistic" or that your circumstances can't be changed?

Why I'm Writing Today

The reason I was intrigued to write this post is because last night, I had a phone conversation with my ex, and the topic of "it is what it is" came up.

Now, I don't know if I would call myself an optimist, but honestly, I think I am. In the past, I've been made to feel like I'm a pessimist when going through hard times. But does processing difficult emotions make someone a pessimist? That characterization is blatantly unfair. Why? Because expecting people to always maintain a high frequency is what's truly unrealistic. There's a significant difference between wallowing in sadness and actively working through emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and shame.

When my ex and I were together, I was constantly bombarded with toxic positivity: "You're always focusing on the negative - focus on the positive," "Don't be so negative," "Other people have it much worse," "Just be grateful for what you have." I was dismissed for looking back at and working with my trauma (in a productive way with somatic work and breathwork). They insisted I was "focusing" on the past and the trauma, and that's why I could never heal from it.

Well, news flash: nobody ever healed from trauma by simply thinking more positively. What makes these statements toxic is that they invalidate genuine emotions, discourage processing difficult feelings, and often shame people (they sure shamed me) for not being "positive enough" during challenging times. They make you feel like your natural emotional responses are wrong or that you're failing if you can't immediately shift to positivity.

Let me be clear about something: processing trauma (which isn't something you do 24/7) doesn't make you a pessimist, even when you're going through deep periods of working with that trauma. Working with your shadows and diving into the darker aspects of your psyche isn't negative—it's necessary and brave. It's like cleaning out a wound so it can properly heal. Would you call someone negative for cleaning an infected cut? Of course not. You'd call them responsible.

Being an optimist or pessimist has nothing to do with whether you're willing to face difficult emotions or past hurts. In fact, I'd argue that those who are willing to do this deep work often have more genuine optimism about their capacity to heal and grow than those who avoid their pain and mask it with toxic positivity. True optimism isn't about denying reality—it's about believing in your ability to work through whatever reality presents, even when it's challenging.

I was often told I was playing the victim, even when I felt like I wasn't. And it often made me question myself endlessly. But after the relationship ended and I've had months of healing, I realized that a narrative was put onto me that was not my own.

What I've discovered in the aftermath of this relationship is that I actually have a knack for finding happiness or joy in almost any circumstance - for finding the silver linings. I find happiness in the small things, even when the big things in life aren't going the way I want, or when they're flat out challenging and difficult. I don't determine my inner state based on my external circumstances. I believe that the moment you do that, you'll never be happy.

True happiness doesn't exist in a job, a luxurious house, a fancy car, having control over people, or any other material or external things. Some of those things can often make your life easier, no doubt - but they aren't going to provide meaningful happiness. And if your life is set up on a trajectory that says "If I reach x, y, z goals, then I'll be happy" - then your life is one big conditional statement. And to me, that's setting yourself up to NEVER be happy. Not truly, anyway.

Adjusting your reality with your mind and perspective

The next thing I want to discuss is comparison.

In today's modern era, it is so easy to compare ourselves to whoever or whatever we see online. It has become a part of life, and a part of our psychological behavior, especially with the advancement of technology.

We get so caught up in the luxury private jets, resorts or vacations we see Instagram models going on and the fancy lifestyles of the rich and famous - and what happens? We suddenly feel like we are missing something from our own lives.

And I just want to say - I think that is a common response.

But...if you're anything like me, when that feeling washes over you - it makes you wake up and slow down a little.

Here's an example. You go on Instagram and you see some random person's page pop up on your explore page (someone whom you've never even heard of before). They're posting a bunch of photos and videos of their luxurious lifestyle traveling the world. They drive fancy sports cars down oceanside freeways. They party on multi-million-dollar yachts in the Caribbean Islands. They constantly show off their designer clothes and jewelry. Something in you stirs at this. You feel jealousy (and maybe even a little bit of anger or distaste towards that person because 'how come they get to have that lifestyle and I don't?').

This is such a common reaction.

We feel like we are missing something from our lives - but really, we are more likely missing something inside.

There's a disconnect.

A disconnect from what we see online, and what we feel inside will bring us true happiness.

It's a disconnect from our authentic selves.

See - I encourage you, next time you notice that feeling come up, to ask yourself deeper questions:

• "Are these 'things' (sports cars, fancy yachts, hundreds of superficial friends) going to bring me happiness? Or are they fulfilling something else that I am searching for?"

• "Is it validation I seek? If so, why? Why do I seek validation from men, women, friends, etc.?"

• "Am I lacking a component of self-love and a validation I should be able to provide to myself?"

• "Is it not actually the material things I care about - but how easy their life looks? Do I desire that feeling of ease and stress-free living?"

I encourage these questions because, as I said before, it's so easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to others. And I am not saying you shouldn't want those things (fancy cars, yachts, homes, etc), but ask yourself "Is this me? Or is it just something that someone else has, which makes me think I want it too?"

Plus, remember that what we see is not the full story. You might see people posting the more vacation-esque side of their lifestyle, but they maybe never post about the sleepless nights and 20 hour work days that can sometimes be required for producing that kind of lifestyle. Or - they may not even be the one funding these luxurious trips and rather they just know someone who can and they tagged along (which a lot of times, comes at a non-monetary price of some sort). Or for many, the really shady and often illegal ways they achieve those lifestyles. Of course there are many people with lots of money who have made that money in honest ways - but let's not be naive here, and remember that a lot of the richest people in the world, didn't obtain their wealth in the most honest ways.

It's a matter of realizing what is truly authentic to you. What you truly want and what aligns with you - not what someone else has.

There's also another side to this coin - when we see people's lives online who we actually do share similar goals and desires with. For instance, say you live in a tiny city apartment with 2 roommates (because that's what you can afford right now) and you work a 9-5 job that you don't love. BUT, you have dreams of one day living on and running your own homestead and having chickens, goats, horses, cows, and 3 little children of your own.

Online, you follow lots of people whose lifestyles you aspire to - other people who run their own homesteads and have growing families of their own.

Now - this is where sometimes it can be easy to go down the path of being jealous of these people who already have the lifestyle you desire.

This is an opportunity to practice self-compassion and to allow space for others to have success. An opportunity to have inspiration generated from these people, from a place of love - rather than a place of bitterness or jealousy.

The same goes for people starting their own business. Sometimes it can feel discouraging to be working on trying to get your business off the ground and say that for 2 years, you've been busting your ass trying to make your business gain some traction, and someone new comes into the space and takes off within just a few months.

How I choose to approach this - I stay in my own lane. And I practice being happy for others!

There is no rule book that says only a certain number of people can have a dream or be successful. The world doesn't limit how many people can start a business in whatever field, or how many can have a homestead (or whatever your dream is!). And just because someone else is doing really well and you're not (yet), doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. You're just walking your path and they're walking theirs.

The ability to have success is unlimited. The only thing that can limit you is your mind, if you let it.

Or, you can let the world be your oyster. It's a choice.

One of my favorite coaches I once heard say her response to these internal feelings, is: "So amazing for them. I am SO happy for them. They are an inspiration and I will see them there soon.", or something along those lines.

And look - maybe that's a slightly different conversation if your goal is to be the richest person in the world (in terms of tangible money). And that's fine if that is truly what you think will make you happy. Personally, I think people who have that goal, are doing it to fill some other void, but hey maybe that's just my opinion.

You have to ask yourself - what does "rich" mean to me?

What does being "rich" mean to you? So many people think they want to be a millionaire, or a multi-millionaire, or a billionaire. And if you're someone who truly does want that expensive lifestyle with the cars and the yachts and the mansions - then yes, you'll need to make a lot of money to be able to afford that.

But that's also not everyone's definition of rich.

To a lot of people, myself included, the term "rich" has a drastically different meaning. Here's an example of what being "rich" would look like to me:

I wake up at sunrise with no alarm clock, to the sound of the ocean waves outside my bedroom. I go for a slow beach stroll while my husband has his own slow morning and the kids are still asleep. When I return from my sunrise beach walk, I wake my kids and we go pick some fresh eggs from our chicken coop and make breakfast - which we all eat together on the back deck overlooking the beach and the ocean. My husband and I both run our own businesses from home, so we share home school/child care duty every day. This morning, my husband is doing homeschooling while I get some private client breathwork sessions in. After I complete my morning sessions and some minor admin work, I go for an ocean dip and do my own breathwork practice on the beach. I then come in, we have lunch as a family, then all hangout together on the beach and swim and play for a while. Then we come in, I take over the last couple hours of home-school duty while my husband gets some work done, and then we have an early homemade dinner and go on a sunset beach walk all together before tucking the kids in for bed. My husband and I then star gaze for a little while before we do some evening breathwork together and also head to sleep.

This is an ideal day in my dream life, that I would define as "rich". Now - a lot of aspects of this lifestyle are expensive in a monetary sense. Such as living on the ocean and having a farmstead (those things are cheap to get set up). And this is assuming my husband and I will both have very well paying self run businesses. But I think an interesting exercise to do here, is: If I had to strip away what of this dream life is "expensive", what am I left with? Will I still feel rich inside? P.S. The goal is for the answer to that last question to be 'YES'.

So here are the core principles that would make me feel rich regardless of financial circumstances:

• presence - the ability to be fully in each moment rather than distracted or rushed

• connection - deep, authentic bonds with those I love

• purpose - meaningful work that allows me to serve others through breath

• agency - designing my days around what matters most to me

• embodiment - honoring and listening to my body's wisdom

• nature - finding moments to connect with the earth, even if it's just feeling the sun on my face

• ritual - creating sacred moments that punctuate my day with meaning

• gratitude - finding joy in simple pleasures like a shared meal or deep breath

• growth - continuous learning and evolution as a person

• spaciousness - creating pockets of stillness in my life

And hopefully it is clear - but the goal of this exercise it to see what is truly important to you. What the true desires are behind the dreams that you have.

And I personally don't have a rigid dream for my future. I have a loose vision, definitely - but I have a fluid approach to it. In other words, I'm not attached to exactly how that dream life "looks", as long as those core principles are present, because those are the things that actually hold the most value in my heart.

And that being said - to come back to our original point, DREAM BIG.

Dream big! The world is your oyster. The truth is - to be alive today is expensive. Even as a minimalist, living expenses are a large cost, it's just a fact. To be able to eat high quality food and have multiple children - you have to make a decent amount of money these days to support even the most basic of lifestyles.

The goal is to never be too attached to our material possessions. Everything is temporary. But at the same time, we aren't living in a scarcity mindset - always afraid that we are going to lose everything. That's not the intention.

Look, there's no sugar coating the fact that freedom comes at a cost in the modern era.

To go off of the matrix, to start your own brand or business, and to try to live a somewhat off the grid life - it takes hard work to get there. And then hard work to maintain it too.

Nobody is saying either path is easy.

It's a matter of choosing your hard.

So don't let anyone discourage you by telling you your dream or the path you want to go down is going to be "too hard", or that it's "unrealistic".

If you need inspiration or examples of people who just didn't let those narratives win:

• Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a television reporter because she was "unfit for TV." Told she was "too emotional" and "too involved" in her stories. As we know, she went on to become one of the most influential media figures in history.

• Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for "lacking imagination" and "having no original ideas." Was rejected 302 times before getting financing for Disney World. His first animation company went bankrupt.

• J.K. Rowling was rejected by 12 publishers before finally selling Harry Potter. She was told children's books don't make money and that her manuscript was too long. She went on to become one of the world's wealthiest authors and her stories have inspired amusement parks and have become an engrained part of millions upon millions of childhoods around the world. Rowling has also donated a significant amount of her fortune since the beginning of her career to charities and to the less fortunate.

All of these people were told at some point, in one form or another, that they were delusional. And delusional perhaps they were - until their dreams became a reality.

So to wrap up -

The point of today's discussion was to remind you that you are allowed to, and even encouraged to have hope. To dream big. To not let any small-minded people squash your dreams and try to make you fit into a box. Their limitations are not a reflection of you. And yes, it is important to keep your feet touched down to earth (most of the time), but don't let someone telling you that your dreams are "unrealistic" stop you from trying to achieve them.

Follow your dreams.

And dream as big as the sky and as high as the stars - just like you did as a toddler. And don't ever stop.

Keep following Inhexhale for more insights on using breathwork to navigate our complex emotional landscapes, heal from limiting beliefs and harmful or unhealthy patterns, and open up to a whole new you.

May your breath guide you home to yourself.

xx,

Ally